Picture this:
Mom and baby on floor getting ready to change a VERY stinky diaper (what does this kid eat?).
Mom gets all the proper accessories ready at arms reach. Clean diaper. Wipes. Desitin. Gas mask…wait…she was wearing the gas mask. Rubber gloves (fool a mom once…). Medical waste disposal bag. Ok, so maybe that last one was an exaggeration.
Mom removes front of diaper, lifts baby’s legs with left hand and grabs a wipe with the right hand. She manages to get cute little bottom about half-way clean when baby decides she’s a gymnast.
Baby straightens body, lifts butt off floor and twists to her right leaving her essentially doing a half headstand while mom still has a hold of her ankles and her bottom is still covered in mushy goo.
Mom tries to get her to put her butt down (can they attach a prosthetic as a third arm?) but only manages to get the baby into an even more vertical position as baby fights her and she still can’t clean up dirty bottom.
So.
What does a mom do?
Well, this hypothetical mom first tried reason. She said “hey, stop that!” Then tried, “look, you…I have to clean you up.” Finally she tried, “ok, I’m the boss of you and you can’t do that!”
Funny, those didn’t work.
Even funnier….she thought they would.
In the end, the mom could not tame the wild beast and let her go do what she wanted to do….crawl around her room naked with toxic waste oozing onto the carpet.
Obviously modest and cleanliness are not top priorities for a baby. The mom needs to go research Vegas vacations. She desperately needs one!
Hypothetically…
About Kim
I am sitting here laughing ny butt of as I remember that same things with my 2 girls and now my 4 month old is beginning to do the same thing, lol. ONLY…cleaning a boy is worse…yuck!
Kim, I can imagine it as I’m reading it – and I’ve been there :). My guy is the same way. There’s an invention, a third appendage for diaper changes!
I have started giving my guy something to hold and play with so he is focused on that instead of his nether regions :)
Carole
You are such a great writer Kim. This article really made me laugh.
Oh I’m so glad to be past that stage now. I used to have to be a diaper ninja. Strike when they least expect it, sneak in, change, and sneak out. If necessary distract with shiny objects and food.
My little one likes to do the stiffen my legs and never open them thing! Not so much fun when you are trying to get the pamper closed before he lets loose with the firehose!
I remember both my kids doing the “bottom lift, headstand, roll.”
Oh geez, that’s also a frequent occurrence here too, hypothetically.
Heather, the good news is I’ve been looking for an excuse to get new carpet!
Ugh — that is EVERY DIAPER CHANGE around here! I feel your hypothetical pain!
HAHA! I’ve been there! We call it ‘Bingo Dabbing’. Little H likes to get the wall next to her change pad which, lucky for us, is a lot easier to clean than carpet!